I landed in Bali last night and just spent a BEAUTIFUL first day here soaking up the sunshine with my best friend Harmony – who is ‘coincidentally’ here on holiday and staying at her Mum’s villa – The universe works in mysterious and magical ways and I genuinely believe that they were both sent to me as a gift at a time when I was genuinely terrified to be alone.
Despite my fear of flying, I got here in one piece, and once again reaffirmed that fear is an illusion – and one not worth your time and precious energy. I panicked on the first flight and then thought I was gonna have to scream “LET ME OFF” and beg them to turn the plane around, but I managed to locate my balls and breathe through it. I listed everything I was grateful for, thanked the anxiety for trying to protect me, and surrendered. Straight away the feeling passed and the rest of the flight was absolutely fine. Throughout the entire journey I’d been stuck in this weird headspace of wanting to cry about the past, run back home and climb in to bed with my ex. And then at the same time, thinking of the incredible opportunity and adventure that’s about to unfold before me in Bali. I couldn’t decide how I felt. There needs to be a word for being heartbroken/sad/happy and excited all at once. Confused? Maybe?!
I thought I’d write a little blog post giving you guys a few tips on how I’ve handled this break-up since so many of you have asked, and so many of you have told me ‘You look so happy – how are you doing it?!’ And the truth is, as open and honest as I am with you guys, and believe me I have no shame in crying my fucking eyes out. But I’m not gonna do it on my Instagram story. There’s being open and then there’s just being over the top haha! So just because you see my smiley, happy & excited face doesn’t mean I’m not struggling, trying to heal, and bursting in to tears in the back of every Uber as soon as a remotely sad song comes on.
It’s a process. It hurts. You are growing. No matter how hard you think it is, or how much you feel like you can’t breathe and you don’t know what to do with yourself – I need you to always remember that YOU ARE GROWING. Nothing can take that away from you. It’s the most positive thing that you can take from every challenge life throws at you, and trust me – your personal growth is the most important thing in the world. Cherish that. This experience is a vital puzzle piece and a significant part of your beautiful story. It’s not the end of the world. New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings – it’s up to you how you choose to look at your situation. As Wayne Dyer famously said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
The worst thing you can do is try to avoid the pain. Drink, smoke, take as many drugs as you want to pretend you’re happy and having fun, but the truth is that this behaviour is a form of escapism. I find the same thing with dating straight away, sleeping with other people in order to feel close to someone and texting other guys for validation or attention. It can feel really relieving to distract yourself, but It means you’d rather avoid your emotions than face them head on. I’ve done it before, straight after a breakup I went on a mad month long bender where I didn’t stop going out. I felt so rejected and lost, and the only thing that gave me a sense of relief was getting absolutely hammered. One morning I woke up to the most embarrassing message ever, that I’d drunkenly sent to my ex via Facebook inbox. He’d been ignoring me for weeks, and it was starting to send me fucking crazy. I sent him a novel. A NOVEL. It was ridiculous. I didn’t even mean half the things I said, which was the worst part. DO NOT confuse being ignored with thinking you’re absolutely in love with your ex and you now change your mind. It’s psychology, you suddenly want what you can’t have. It’s your ego, wanting to chase after something that now appears to be out of your reach. You want it back, But do you really? If they were texting you constantly and calling you non-stop – you most likely wouldn’t be interested. People don’t want what they can easily have, they can relax knowing it’ll always be there and so there’s no need to chase it.
Be kind. There is no point arguing over who is to blame, who did what wrong, who owes who what, who did the most for the other person, who was the best and the shittiest. You are both separate people, with different views, opinions and perspectives. You can’t always expect people to see things from your point of view – so don’t force it. However, it’s really good to be the compassionate one and put yourself in their shoes. Really imagine what it’s like to be them, what they’ve been through from their angle, and then allow yourself to feel love and empathy for them. It’s so healing to see both sides of the story, and allow each of you to be right in your own ways.
Don’t take their reaction personally. Anger, sadness, floods of tears, grovelling, silent treatment. Whatever, it’s THEIR way of dealing with their emotions, and you have your way too. Respect this and understand that you are both hurting. It’s okay for them to handle this in the only way they know how. And if they’re not hurting – if they’re absolutely fine and you’re the one that’s heartbroken, that’s okay too. If you love them then what you should truly want for them is peace and happiness. You will get yours too, eventually.
Understand that you never belonged to each other. It can be really easy to get wrapped up in this idea that when you’re in a relationship you ‘own’ each other and become one. You own nothing in this life, especially not people. You are born in to this world empty handed, and you leave empty handed. You don’t even get to take your body with you – it returns to Mother Earth where it came from. You just borrow everything for your time here, and you will never, ever own anyone. Your ex will text new people, will date new people, and may find someone else after you. This for me is the worst part. My best friend Cat said to me the other day, ‘You know he’s texting other girls already though don’t you.’ And I literally burst out crying like a little kid that just dropped their ice cream.
The thought of him with someone else made my heart sink in to my ass, and I thought I was gonna puke. Totally natural. You have an intimate relationship with someone, you wake up next to them, declare your love for them, make love to them, you know every inch of their body and just being in their presence makes you feel safe and at home. They ‘belonged’ to you. And now suddenly, they can do whatever the hell they want with whoever the hell they want. AWFUL. I KNOW. But you gotta imagine the worst case scenario and make peace with it. It’s going to be okay, I promise.
Take care of yourself. The one thing you need right now is SELF LOVE. If you feel rejected, it’s because you need more self-acceptance. You need YOU right now above all other people, a cuddle from your friends and going home to see your Mum will work wonders. But until you give yourself the love you’re craving in order to feel whole again, you’ll continue to feel sort of empty and lost. Don’t neglect yourself. Don’t feel shame, regret or embarrassment. Be understanding and gentle with yourself, you’re going through something really tough – don’t make it worse for yourself. Self-love might mean working out every day, it might mean taking several baths a day (me), It might mean eating super healthy and feeling great or it might mean crying over a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Whatever you’ve got to do – do what feels good and feels right. I would definitely recommend mirror work, give yourself a pep talk, tell yourself you’re strong, that you’ve got this and always, always, always say ‘I LOVE YOU!!!!’ to yourself. Every day. Make it a habit, every time you pass a mirror say it with meaning and watch how it starts to transform your life.
Get excited about something. I knew if I didn’t plan a trip then I would go crazy, dwell in the past and feel more stuck than ever. I needed to shake things up and give myself something to look forward to. Just remember – you can fly anywhere in the world but you cannot run away from your emotions, until you face them head on – they will continue to follow you around like annoying little gremlins. Meditate, allow the feelings to surface and be gentle with yourself. Cry as much as you need to, talk about it, sleep, heal.
Whenever I feel lost, I make more effort to feel connected to Source, or the Universe. The creative force that exists in everything, that beats your heart, grows your fingernails and heals your wounds – without you even having to think about it. You cannot deny the energy force that grew you from a tiny seed in to a new born baby without you having to make any effort at all. You can connect to this Universal infinite wisdom and power in any moment, through quiet prayer or meditation. It’s always there waiting for you, cheering you on and loving you unconditionally. When you let go and surrender all the bad shit, the Universe can take over, and work things out for you with the path of least resistance. Whether you believe in it or not – it exists. Or else you wouldn’t be sitting there reading this with your miraculously complex and intricate eyeballs right now 😉
A few moments a go I had a bit of an emotional moment, and I needed some reassurance. I sat on my friend Harmony’s bed crying and wondering if I was really doing the right thing by being here, I felt guilty about leaving, and unsure if I was actually a bad person for running away. I missed having my boyfriend next me. I needed some answers. Harmony whipped out her Oracle cards and said ‘Let’s give you a reading!’. She spread the cards face down and one jumped out at me immediately. Low and behold, the Heart Healing card. I just want to read you the first paragraph from the card, so that you can carry this beautiful advice with you.
“Over many lifetimes, your beautiful heart has loved and lost and loved again. You have learned how to feel joy, pain, suffering and bliss. Your wise heart knows that life is filled with darkness and light, and it chooses to love the Divine and participate in life anyway. You might worry that your heart has been stretched beyond it’s limit, become closed or broken; yet your heart is filled with divine grace, power and love. It can and will heal itself and love again, bigger, bolder and braver than ever before. Do not doubt the healing power of your heart. Your open kind heart helps soothe others, bringing comfort and reassurance to the world. Trust your heart and let it heal and guide you into the most beautiful and loving divine destiny waiting for you.”
I love you guys. I hope this helps, and remember – millions of people all over the world are experiencing the same heart wrenching emotions – just over a different guy. Ask anyone, they’ve been there. You will get through this, believe in yourself, have patience and breathe. You heal every single day, just be the most loving person you can both to yourself and everyone around you. What’s meant to be will be, and if you are destined to be together then there will be no other way.